Welcome to this week’s #AskSisyphus. The question posed was as follows:
Does unconditional love exist?
I think this is more of a philosophical question than anything that can be proven scientifically. I’ll give you my own thoughts on the matter and hopefully you all can chime in along the way. Short answer, I don’t think it does. But let me get around to it. I think it might as far as animals are concerned (because my love for my dog knows no bounds, and seemingly her love for me is the same). But sadly I don’t think this is the case for people.
Unconditional love, as I understand it, is a connection that under no condition would waver or falter. The intensity of this love would neither diminish nor dissipate under even the most extreme circumstances. Another way to look at it perhaps is a love that quite simply isn’t conditional on anything. So for example my love for a girl isn’t conditional on her income, or on the length of her hair, or whether she’s got make up on.
I guess with the latter definition, I think it’s possible to a point. The latter kind of leads to the former though. If it’s not conditional on any one thing, can it be altered by anything? If it fades away over time, does that make it conditional on time, or on circumstances? Do you see my quandary?
I feel like love must change and grow along with the people sharing it together, otherwise it will only exist in that moment in time. I’ve heard that everyone changes drastically over the course of 10 years, that the person you will be is not the person you are now. Given that, if you’re in love with someone now they will be a very different person 10 years from now and so will you. So if the love you share doesn’t change with and adapt to the shifting nature of your relationship it will be left in the past and fade with the memories of that time and the people you both used to be.
If it doesn’t change, arguably this is not unconditional. If it does … well that’s at least a step in the right direction. So let’s say, for discussion’s sake that unconditional love can morph and change so long as it isn’t conditional upon anything concrete or definable including age and beauty. That still allows it to possess that seemingly ephemeral nature while still remaining in the face of adversity. Can this type of love exist?
I’m sure everyone has examples of what they think unconditional love is: the love of a mother for her children, or more generally parents for their children, the love that can be shared among family members, or between two people who were destined to be together. Okay, those are fantastic examples of situations where unconditional love might exist if it were possible. But let’s dig deeper.
Take the closest mother-daughter bond you can imagine. Then imagine a situation, pick whichever one you like, which ends in strife. The daughter does something that the mother thinks is abhorrent. If there’s a major falling out between them, has their love changed or died? Is it still there? Can unconditional love be broken? I don’t think it can.
(As I type out this next part I wonder what happened to the idealistic person I used to be) That said, I think there will always be something that can come between people. I don’t need to list off all of the reprehensible things people do to each other, but you get what I’m saying. Bad things happen, sometimes beyond our control and I think love is vulnerable in that way.
Just so my romantic credibility isn’t beaten beyond repair, I want to believe that unconditional love is possible. I want to believe that people can form a bond that is so strong it can weather every conceivable blow reality might be able to unleash … but we live such a fragile, vulnerable and ephemeral existence, I’m not sure that such fragility is capable of something so … impervious. I hope it is.
I want to believe, but I just don’t know anymore.
4 comments
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Office Goddess
August 16, 2012 at 8:59 am (UTC -7) Link to this comment
When I think of unconditional love, I think human love, but that’s a solid point. I sure do love my cat (only one! I’m still good! No crazy old cat lady here! …Yet). Ever since I first heard the word, I assumed you couldn’t have unconditional love for anyone but your family. I didn’t think love that big could exist, or certainly wasn’t sustainable, with anyone other than your blood relations.
The reason I state it that way is that I have said many times in my life, “If he wasn’t my father, if she wasn’t my sister” etc. etc. It’s sad. Thinking about it makes me sad. I know it’s sad. But it’s also reality. So I suppose my answer to the question is also, no.
Man I’m such a downer. Unconditional love may not exist but I lurv you Sisy! xoxoxo
(Is that better? Haha.)
Good post, all around. Well stated.
Sisyphus
August 16, 2012 at 9:45 am (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Thanks OG. I think there’s a good discussion to be had on familial love that exists only in the “This person is terrible but they’re family so … I love them”. Is that really love or is that some societal/cultural construct that insists that our family be held close no matter what. Is it love? Maybe. But I would argue that perhaps it’s not.
It’s not a downer. =)
Thank you for the input and the question OG. It was great, really got me thinking too (which is kinda the point). Hopefully it did the same for you.
Mark
August 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm (UTC -7) Link to this comment
About a year ago, I began to write my vows to my (then future) wife. I listed out the reasons why I fell in love with her, which then translated into points about why I proposed. We had our pastor read over our vows before the ceremony, and he brought up an interesting point. One of the lines in my vows had stated something like “and because of this, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He suggested rephrasing the ending because it sounded like my love was conditional based on the reasons I listed above. It never crossed my mind that if she stopped doing or being these things that I would ever stop loving her, which is when we transitioned into the discussion of unconditional love.
It should never be conditional based on superficial things like you’ve mentioned: age, beauty, money, etc. But when talking about trust and what happens to your feelings if the other breaks that trust, the answer isn’t so easy. So your post leads me to the question “Should unconditional love even exist?” Is it healthy for one person to love another no matter what? Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect, and I think people should question their love for someone when the other person does something horrible to them – cheating, abuse (physical and mental), etc. From my experience, some people are capable of unconditional love and forgiveness, and it blows my mind. Whether it’s healthy for that person or that relationship is another question.
Sisyphus
August 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Very well said Mark. I hadn’t thought of it that way and I think it’s a valid question. I would be inclined to say that No it probably shouldn’t … full well knowing that Nobody consults me when deciding whether something should or shouldn’t be. I think it’s a romantic notion, but I think maybe that romanticized portion of it acts as a detriment to the whole.
If people think they need this unbreakable bond they may be less willing to remove themselves from a terrible situation, citing their unconditional and unshakable love for this person as a reason to stay. I have known too many people who couldn’t bring themselves to leave such relationships … some possibly for this very reason. Life is far too short to needlessly and irrevocably tie yourselves to something miserable.
Thank you for your thoughts Mark. Very insightful.