Did It Get Darker In Here?

Anyone who has read what goes on here knows I’m somewhat displeased with my job and am desperately trying to change my career path. In today’s efforts I went and talked to a family friend who works at a company in a totally different industry than my own. It’s an industry I’m interested in … but he doesn’t work in the area of business I think I want to work in …

So I’m sitting in his office and talking with him about how we know each other, what brought me to where I am, what my experience is professionally, how he got to where he’s at, the industry, this specific company …

And the whole time I’m trying to … I don’t know, I guess I’m trying to figure out why I’m there. I mean I had multiple family members telling me I should talk to him, and he’s high up in this company, but … I just don’t know what to talk to him about.

We discussed what hurdles I was facing in my job search, he made some suggestions of other types of jobs I could consider …

I don’t know. I just feel insecure in these interactions. I’ve had enough people shit on me in job interviews and in these informational interviews that I just have a hard time feeling like I have anything to offer anyone. I mean, intellectually I know I do, and I confidently talk about all of the things I bring to the table … but I leave feeling like I’ve had someone spit on my valued collection.

This guy was very nice to me. He treated me with respect, treated my experience with respect, and made some job suggestions that I hadn’t thought of … it was really generous of him to give me an hour of his day and I’m sure at the end of this whole saga it will be someone like him who will play a pivotal role in helping me land my next position.

This is going to sound really cheesy, but it’s the image that comes to mind and the metaphor I want to use requires an understanding here so bear with me.

I’ve trained in Jujutsu and Kung Fu over the years … and at the beginning of the Jujutsu class we would sit with our legs bent underneath us (in what has got to be the least comfortable position) and we’d close our eyes and meditate for like 30 seconds. What calmed me the most, mentally and I guess physically … was the image that I sat in a room that was pitch black (because my eyes were closed right?). As I breathed in through my nose I was breathing in light, and positivity, and when I exhaled I was exhaling black negative energy. With each deep breath where this worked, an orb of influence or light centered deep within me would expand. Each breath would make it bigger, lighting up more and more of the room …

And there’s a quote by Edith Wharton “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” I’ve always viewed myself as a candle. This interview today, and interviewing for these positions outside of my comfort zone all make me feel like that light is diminished and less vibrant for a while.

I don’t like that feeling. I know it’s just my insecurities at work … but damn aren’t they powerful?