The Bathroom: No Mess, No Clean Up

This is not what I’m doing …

Have you ever been brushing your teeth, looking in the mirror admiring the handsome or beautiful individual standing there before you, only to think:

“What the fuck is going on in this bathroom when I’m not in here?! Is the toothbrush waging full scale war on the faucet and the hand soap?!!” 

How does the mirror get so dirty? I’m not brushing my teeth with my mouth wide open holding my face as close to the mirror as possible … and I can only assume that is the only way to get such an array of spots. I stand a good three or four feet away from the thing when I’m brushing, I don’t run my thumb over the bristles of the brush in the sink (or ever), I gently lay it flat over the cap of some somethingerather so it doesn’t dirty up the counter (because that seems to be another ridiculous mess-causer). I don’t shake my hands dry after washing them, nor do I windmill my arms and shake my head like a canine fresh out of the pool when I’ve exited the shower.

I am a clean individual goddamnit, and my bathroom looks like my hygiene skills rival those of a buffalo (which I sat in a car and watched as a very large male stopped 10 feet away, emptied his bladder in full in the dirt, and then promptly dropped down and rolled in it). So maybe someone can tell me what I’m doing wrong. Invariably the counter looks filthy and has enough dog hair on it to make me suspicious … now I’m not going to sit here and say that the dog did it, but don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind. If I forget to pick up the little foot towel thing and hang it on the curtain rod, it’s not unusual for me to find it bunched and crumbled up as though someone, or some animal, had been rolling on it earlier in the day. I’m not saying she’s guilty, I’m just saying she’s already in there and she’s got a motive. (being left at home)

Since the debacle with almost knocking myself out cleaning the bath tub, I’m trying to operate under a “No Mess, No Clean Up Required” philosophy, and this mysterious grime buildup all over the bathroom is foiling my master plan. How am I supposed to avoid cleaning if there’s a civil war constantly raging in my absence?!