I don’t know man, I just …
Well, it looks like I found myself in a public setting and touched too many things yesterday. This evening I started coming down with a cold. Not sleeping at all last night didn’t help and neither did the monumental levels of stress I’ve been under but hey … I can put aside joking about my genetic superiority keeping me healthy for a week or so without too much harm to my street cred (y’know, street cred amongst the other genetically superior folks … whoever they are … maybe that’s what that psychologist meant when he said I should find “my people”).
I’ve narrowed it down to a harrowing hour-long visit to Comcast yesterday. So even though I didn’t solve my cable problems while I was there, a visit from a technician today tidied things up for me … and Comcast gets the last laugh with my cold.
Thank you Comcast and whatever plague rat you had loitering at your store for an hour with me that gave me this disease.
Before I take a hot shower and climb into bed I thought I’d take a moment to give you all something to read tomorrow. And here it is, my thoughts on something different altogether.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have a ton of dating experience, sure I’m in my early 30′s but I was a late bloomer and am somewhat of a romantic so my first bunch of interests, even the failed ones, had a long-lasting effect on me which involved being emotionally involved but unable to move on. For many years there I had one girl in a twelve month period that I would fall for, pursue in some way, fail with either because they were unavailable or uninterested, and then spend months wading out of whatever emotional mess I was in.
That sounds bad but it wasn’t so much a conscious choice as it was that I spent those years searching for my ass with both hands and coming up empty. Yes, this might speak to the largess of my ass (or lack thereof), but it mostly speaks to the proximity I had to potential dates and my willingness to view them as such. I didn’t find myself around many girls and therefore rarely found one I was interested in. During most of my 20′s I wasn’t comfortable with people setting me up (parents, friends, whomever), and I wasn’t comfortable with online dating, and my normal activities weren’t bringing me into contact with the womenfolk … so it was a bit of an inadvertently self-inflicted drought.
Fast forward to the last 3-4 years basically and I’ve still got the same desire to find someone to be with, but less of the restrictions and inhibitions. Distance, Age, whether we meet online, via Twitter, you’re some girl my Mom met at Macy’s buying makeup, or the physical therapist of my parents’ friend … sure, why not. My Dad is a wise man and when I rejected his attempt to introduce me to someone from his work, he told me something along the lines of the following: “If you don’t go out and meet women, and you won’t let anyone introduce you to someone, and you won’t go online, how do you expect to meet people?”
Good question, sir. Good question. And that was the first time I called up someone from an introduction.
I’m telling you all of this because I think maybe I’m just a rookie. I mean I’ve been dating (in the aforementioned fashion) for 15 years now and I think that’s worth something … I’ve learned a lot and I think it is evident in how I handle myself in challenging situations.
But in the last year or so, I’ve really bombarded myself with circumstances I don’t know how to navigate. I do my best, and I guess that’s what sets some people apart from others, how they let the strength of their character guide them when the waters get muddy. But I don’t feel good about it. I’ve stumbled because I’m not perfect, and nobody’s gotten irrevocably hurt by it I don’t think … but I’ve been hurt by it, and on the rare occasion so have people connected with me in some way. I’ve been hurt by it quite a bit actually, and I don’t know …
I’ve talked about how things have been black and white to me growing up, and how things are increasingly less so as I get older … and one of them is how to … when people come to me with their problems I’m often able to pretty easily find the “best” solution as I see it, per my standards and succinctly and clearly explain my rationale. The problem arises when I’m the one facing these situations I’ve advised people on and suddenly I can’t take my own advice. I’m emotionally involved and I don’t know where to draw the line … I don’t know what constitutes being understanding and accepting someone’s mistakes or stumbles and when it’s gone too far.
In my love-addled brain that line seems to drift further and further away … and I’m not sure whether that’s wisdom and maturity moving it, or fear and loneliness.
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